DARWIN DILETTANTES
Dilettante n. & a. 1. n. Lover of the fine arts; amateur; one who toys with subject or studies it without seriousness. 2. a. Trifling, not thorough; amateur. [It., f. part. of dilettare f. L delectare DELIGHT]
The Darwin Dilettantes celebrate their 25th consecutive tour to Chiang Mai. This has occurred mainly due to the efforts Mr Greg Bicknell. Over recent years the side has been bolstered by the players from Coleraine who have been found wanting with their cricketing ability, but are excellent tourists.
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ALLAN SPRING
Well he remains adamant that charcoal tablets are an aphrodisiac, the jury is out on that one. I suppose technically any tablets that keeps you off the hong nam smooths the way somewhat for other nocturnal activities.
As far a cricket is concerned it’s all about how Springy has recovered from his last tour, he may remain reluctant to wear white coloured clothing while in Asia (despite the charcoal tablets) so may be scratched from the starting line-up.
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GARRY HANCOCK
The second of our under 50 brigade expect big things from Gazza in the field, for instance if one of our other fielders gets sun stroke or collapses due to “non-alcohol related” injury at mid-wicket then Gazza is expected to jog over and place him in the recovery position, or pronounce him dead whatever the situation dictates.
Should contribute with the bat with some nice edges past the keeper, and with ball in hand he should contribute with some searing sixes off his bowling, he has slowed down just enough over the years to be at that nice slogging speed for most batsman. The cricket ball has been known to suffer from PTSD after a Gazza over.
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GLEN CAMERON (Pouch)
Hashtag shit batsman opens scoring account in 400th appearance is still trending worldwide. Yes an umpiring mistake not calling leg byes has enabled Glen to add a few decimal points to his batting average after a 20 year career. With the ball in hand he for years thought the term ‘reverse swing’ referred to the batsmen reverse sweeping him for six. Known as ‘the baker’ in his home town, synonymous with serving up juicy pies to batsmen.
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GREG BICKNELL (Bicks)
Has now made the progression from star player to official “doyen” of the game. Expect to hear some sage advice to our younger players (we have two aged under 50) such as “you paid how much?” and “always negotiate first”. This tour should prove a welcome relief from his busy work and media appearances for the Chamber of Commerce where he has now cracked the top 10 for “most misquoted” in print. He is adamant he never articulated (on the record) a policy of “open slather visas” for Thai nationals when discussing labour shortages in Darwin.
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JACK BENDALL
One of only two players in the team not sporting a double hip replacement Jack is one half of our fielding outfit that moves, the rest are just sun dials in the field. Possessing one shot with the bat that comes out every two or three years here is hoping this is the year it connects. Fielders be on your toes for run out opportunities with Jack batting, he has been known to expect his partner to respond to a call of “ONE!” The only acceptable call in our team is of course “no run”. With the ball in hand Jack is likely to open so that we can get out of the field quicker either through lost ball or the opposition getting the runs inside an over.
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JONNY BOXER
When asked if he can single-handedly carry the side this year, Johnny responded with “no I need both hands to hold my hair back when having a spew”. On field his effectiveness will be determined by the tournament committee, if they allow our request to put a bell in the ball then he may hit a few off the square. With ball in hand expect to see a bowling action resembling a bloke with his balls attached to electrodes…… it may be effective here in putting batsman off their game.
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JOSH BROWN
So immersed in the culture of this tournament Browny has remained in an alcohol induced coma for the last twelve months with strict instructions only to revive him come tournament time. Now that the time is upon us we can look forward to feats of skill and daring on the cricket field, and inexplicable nonsensical drunken debauchment off it. To this day he has no recollection of the plane flight to Thailand, the entire tournament nor the flight back home last time he was here.
Was clearly the only player in the side with recognisable sporting ability last time out, just that he can’t remember it.
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MARK STAUDE
A pacifist when batting he feels since the ball is coming towards him he should not escalate matters by swinging the bat as it could be too confrontational. Mark is far more at home in the gentle surrounds of many of the beer bars dotting the streets of Chiang Mai, cricket is an intrusion really. Should he be called on to bowl expect to see blokes all around the ground immediately pad up while licking their lips.
Has been declared fit to tour although has been known to do a hamstring getting out of bed, a superb all round athlete.
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MORGAN YEO (aka Chewbacca or Wookie)
Quite possibly the hairiest man ever to play in creams and does react well to a good waxing. Local masseuse should wear gardening gloves.
RH Slow Medium bowler and exceptionally ordinary bat who somehow collects wickets and runs with ease.
A born leader, despite barracking for Collingwood – may be exceptional value on the Chiang Mai after hours circuit and likely to be sighted with Hans Solo.
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ROGER WECKERT (the heavy Hammer)
Once described as “the greatest moustache never to play Test cricket for Australia in the 1970’s” Roger will continue to lead our batting for the umpteenth time. As a special treat this year the team is putting on a fireworks display the moment Roger says the words “yen yen” when ordering a beer…. This year will see the one millionth occasion he has uttered those words.