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Allan Spring (Springy)
During the summer cricket season this man has worked hard on the missing components of his game by going back to the basics, back to where it all began. Apparently he murdered attacks in the under 11’s this year! Now he is ready for the big boys of Chiang Mai. Naturally though, when the first beer is opened all his preparation will go out the window. With his bowling, scientific testing has confirmed his action is in fact legal, his arm cannot straighten past 30% due to years of bending the elbow drinking beers in bars throughout Victoria and this has not improved since his first trip to Chiang Mai 4 years ago.
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Chris Heron (Wally or ‘Tentacles’)
Regardless of the level of incompetence of the team on the field we can be assured Wally will have them marching to military precision off the field with outrageous fines for the smallest infraction by any of the players. Last year the team managed to buy a small island with the fines money which Wally no doubt aspires to retire on. No pen portrait would be complete without once again reminding everyone that the bowling mercy rule in Chiang Mai was brought in due to Wally’s timeless over, the one that finished well into dark after a squillion wides.
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Gary Hancock (P'Sek LoSo)
Having participated in the sixes for 10 years straight from 1997-2006, Gaz went Whisky Tango for 5 years. He finally saw the light and returned last year followed by a 5 year hiatus. Self proclaimed big, fast bowler; apart from bowling a maiden over against Alma; Gaz gave Warratahs some hope of winning the Plate final last year. Whether this prompted his retirement on FaceBook is unknown, but at least Gaz has not retired from international cricket. The team now looks to Gaz as a senior member of the squad. His once fast bowling has now slowed to a walk (fairy dust we like to call it) but his batting has improved to a point where it can be called “adequate”. Gaz will no doubt feature heavily off field where having a basic comprehension of Thai language stands him in good stead.
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Glen Cameron (Pouch)
Unjustly caught up in match fixing allegations after going for over 30 in his over last year, and then playing and missing an entire over before being run out. The Judge’s findings said it all in vindicating him. “In all my years I have never seen cricketing incompetence of the like. His hand and eye coordination seem to be working in opposite directions, while his hand tries to bowl the ball his eyes are looking at a beer on the boundary. A quirk of nature.”
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Greg Bicknell (Bicks)
It has finally happened, after 65 trips to the Kingdom in the last 8 years, Bicks has finally ran out of leave and cannot make the tournament for the whole week. On top of that he has a new job where he is CEO of the Chamber of Commerce in Darwin and a young bride to boot. He is hoping to have to conduct a few interviews about the state of the economy with Darwin news channels live from Chiang Mai so he can mark this one down as a business trip again. As to how articulate any interview may prove to be from Chiang Mai may be debatable. Greg has not picked up a bat in twelve months, so hopefully he will go well fresh from a spell.
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Jack Bendall
The workhorse of the bowling attack (in that he is more likely to bowl the maximum allotted balls in his over with accumulated wides) and expected to endanger many spectators with sixes flying everywhere from his pies. Jack discovered a new attacking batting style last year in Chiang Mai, one that included actually hitting the ball, and that coupled with his fielding (his shins are very reliable in stopping boundaries) the team expects big things from this bloke. Not to mention he drags the average age of the team back into double digits.
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Jim Ford
The Dilettantes like to think of Jim as one of our own and we would like to congratulate him on his recent achievements. Jim was awarded an OAM (Order of Australia Medal) in 2012 for his services to Northern Territory Cricket. On 11th of February, 2013 the Minister for Sport and Recreation, Matt Conlan, officially named NT Cricket’s new administration building at Marrara Cricket Ground after gentleman Jim Ford. The Jim Ford Administration Building is recognition of Jim’s 30 year dedication to cricket in the Northern Territory. Well done Jim, you are the first Dilettante to be complimented in the player profile, we apologise, it will not happen again.
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Jimmy Jones
Picked on pure cricketing talent team management expects big things from this bloke, although the smart money says he will be lost to a bar within minutes of landing on location and cricket appearances will be as rare as Elvis sightings. It has been many years since team management has considered employing a minder for an individual player, Jimmy is right in the frame for one though! He might need some helpers on the ground (maybe Weekend at Bernie’s style) to get him through a game if he has a few too many.
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Mark Staude (Walter)
The title of worst cricketer to grace the shores of Thailand has often been thrown about in this team, can he compete for this coveted title? Or will he buck the trend of our recruits in recent years and smash attacks to all parts? Life time local club batting average of 3.5 says no.......... and that was in his 1970’s hey day!
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Roger Weckert (Hammer)
Those watching the Big Bash league in Australia would have noticed a new novelty with the “zing” bails which flash brilliantly whenever the stumps are disturbed. Few would know that this technology is actually a knock off from Roger’s wallet which flashes and omits a loud agonising screeching sound whenever opened. Remains a big fan of Sixers cricket where running between wickets is purely optional.
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Russell Hunter
From working in a mine Russ now has an aversion to natural sunlight; he can only tolerate neon lights which is handy as they are in abundance in Chiang Mai. Should he grace the cricket field he may spontaneously combust either from the sun light or the alcohol content in his blood so don’t get to close to him with any naked flames as they may set off the fumes. As far as batting and bowling are concerned.... let’s just say Russ is our wicket keeper.
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Simon Fry (Cuddles)
On the field he remains a token fielder at best, debate continues over whether the team gains anything from his standing inside the rope, or just staying behind it and throwing the ball back once it has crossed the boundary (a bit like the kids do in India). To be fair though he is in the side so that we have someone batting at six who can “legally” be considered to be conscious and also is a reliable bowler in this outfit in that he has the stamina to get through six balls without a defibrillator on standby.