Blythswood return for tour number 15. In marriage terms this our crystal anniversary. I wonder how many of us have been in a relationship as long and as passionate as our love affair with the Sixes?
This year Blythswood also celebrate our captain’s 40th year as a player. Raj wandered into Dog Shit Park as a fresh faced 12 year old with broad bat and a healthy head of hair. The responsibilities of leadership have obviouslee taken their toll on Raj’s follicles over the years. Raj has also been the victim personal attacks and fake news! Sexual and financial scandals have plagued him throughout his career. Nicknames such as “Rodney”, “Rodders”, “Bank of India”, “Fun size in his pants” and the cruel and infamous “He’s got a malteser on his head”. Team mates and the media can be cruel! However throughout all of this Raj has remained stoic and a true gentleman. No doubt he will further enhance his reputation this year with the help of his personal cricket hareem.
Our 2019 squad is bigger than the cast of Ben Hur. Two players who have been on all 15 tours, half a dozen reliable regulars and an extensive supporting cast who can be relied upon to provide plenty of entertainment on and off the field.
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Akabusi
Akabusi, the big guy, weighs in at 417kg and height 9 feet 17 inches. For breakfast he munches on a 15kg bag of hay washed down with 3 gallons of Mekong River Eel Wine. Once sated, he then nips round to his favourite line dancing bar the Grizzly Rose where he will indulge himself in the Cupid Shuffle or maybe a round of the Cotton Eyed Joe. Suitably refreshed Akabusi will then head home for a cleanup. He fills the bath up with condensed milk and dives in and has slow relax and rubs himself down with his pet porcupine Wincey. Before heading off to work as a bull testicle taster, he heads into his tropical forest which is situated in his lounge and he will have a few swings on the creepers while performing his Tarzan impressions. Another thing that people do not know about Akabusi is his love for bears. His best friend is a bear called Red Helmet and they love to frequent bars in downtown Acton. Akabusi will wear his bearskin coat to make his chum feel better and after an evening on the sauce Red Helmet gets a little frisky and always gives his chum a good seeing to, hence the name Red Helmet. Akabusi used to work in the circus as a sword swallower, but one day he got a little confused and swallowed the sword hilt first and upon
retrieving it he cut off all of his fingers. Thanks to microsurgery they were able to be saved but unfortunately the surgeon had just come from a cocktail party and he put the fingers on the wrong way round so that his fingers now bend in the opposite direction of what they are supposed to do. That is why he is the leading wicket taker in Hackney, he is always bowling the wrong un. Do not let him swap rooms with you in Chiang Mai as he will eat all of your room furniture and then kick you out of his room and you will be left looking rather foolish and forlorn. He has been known to scoff all the tables in his local pie and mash shop in one sitting. He has jars of dried skin which are for sale, he collects them from chairs at convention centres round the UK. Also a pair of lady’s knickers but they are for viewing only,
ten pounds for a squint. Come over to the cabana, meet the big fella, bring a chair leg or two for him to nibble on while he regales you with stories of the days he used to scoot ping pong balls out of his backside at half time on the pitch at Charlton.
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Bully Boy
Having spent the last ten years stealing ladies’ underwear from washing lines, Bully Boy has now taken up tap dancing in old people’s homes to give them the pleasure of his dainty twinkle toe step routines. As a result, he now spends many long hours in the embrace of these old dears and his intimate evenings would fill many a glad hand bank. He is constantly getting kicked out of these establishments in the early hours of the morning with a jar of lubricant and many Kleenex tissues in hand. To the amazement of onlookers, Bully Boy loves to slide down the high street of Stoke Newington in a picnic basket singing little Paul Robeson ditties such as “Upstairs in the attic, I heard a scream. Who put the sand in the Vaseline”? He is also known for his rather large protuberance which he calls Mr. Biff and he does enjoy showing it off at extremely fancy dinner parties. He regales old ladies with, “oh look here comes Mr. Biff, anyone fancy taking him for a walk down the park. Talking of parks, Bully Boy just love to saunter naked round the public parks of Acton feed the squirrels with his rather large collection of tasty nuts. Pop over to the cabana, introduce yourself to Mr. Biff and chew on a tasty nut or two. Bully Boy will certainly be more than happy to oblige your kernel cravings. Chiang Mai will never be the same again after Bully Boy spreads his flavorsome treats around.
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Captain Kirkpal
Captain Kirkpal is a cricketer but not as we know it and he is also our go to guy when you need information on the latest happening on deviant massage parlours. His monthly magazine Drool and Relax is available by subscription and comes with a free coupon allowing you a good rub down in the pleasure palace of your choice. He is a purveyor of all things abnormal, so if you feel the need for some treacle flavoured crotchless panties he is the man to see. He is currently treading the boards at various Soho stripclubs where his dancing peacock act is definitely a sight for sore eyes. When he struts his stuff in his man girdle, stockings and pale purple stilettos whilst singing “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts” the crowd is in a state of frenzy with various reciprocating hand motions and much stickiness everywhere. After a performance he likes to wear his flatulence pants and head out for a midafternoon feast of baked beans and cabbage. When he gets home in the evening he hooks up his pants to the cooker so that the methane build up can cook his evening supper of kippers and fried bread. The captain can also be found in various bars in Clapham where he likes to indulge in his passion of sniffing and licking toilet seats. If you consult his diary you will find no less than 500 hostelries where he has indulged in this nefarious activity. Come along and spend some time with the captain and he will entertain you with stories of his outrageous performances in public toilets and allow you to taste his wondrous collection of rather scrumptious anal creams.
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Cary
Cary is the type of guy who loves superhero costumes, his personal desire is to strut up and down in his local high street wearing his Wonder Woman costume. He loves to wave around the golden lasso ensnaring people in bicycle lanes. He hates bicycle lanes and bicycles with a vengeance after his Auntie Doris bought him one for Christmas but he really wanted a pogo stick. It was his dream to be the super hero “The Caped Pogo” where he could leap buildings in one bound to get home in time for a spot of vacuum cleaning and tidying up his bedroom. He now has a fixation to be “Hamster Man, where he can spend all day in his bedroom running round and round on his wheel while listening to Women’s hour on the radio. Cary just adores holidaying with his pet goat Ernie and they usually head off to Bognor Regis. It is fun to watch Cary and Ernie sharing the same platter at dinnertime. They will taste and bite anything that might look like plants and wooded vegetation, including cardboard boxes, rope and paper—even labels off, yes, tin cans. This provides a merry caper when they have a bowel movement of a morning. To watch Cary in the shower with a piece of rope hanging out of his backside would bring tears to anyone’s eye. It will be a strange sight when the big fella tucks into his breakfast in the morning. “Excuse me sir, are we having the Kellogg’s cornflake box today or would sir care for a mighty lump of twine”?
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Charlee
Charlee is a complicated machine made up of many complex parts. To operate optimumlee The Machine must be well lubricated. Where Charlee lives there is crude oil in abundance but The Machine needs a special oil known as “The Good Stuff”. Charlee needs to brew and refine this unique lubricant himself and carefully mix it with essential additives ( orange juice / tomato juice Tabasco Lea & Perrins / 110 Plus / Boundary Bar bananas ) depending upon the occasion. Recipes for “The Good Stuff “ are are available in the Blythswood cabana.
Under the influence of “The Good Stuff” Charlee also becomes Blythswood’s bard. Charlee has the abilitee to look at a person and describe them in words that they would never imagine themselves. Pen portraits become poetree.
On the cricket front this Dundeean has a rare claim to fame. He is one of onlee two Blythswood players to have bowled a Test captain. Playing in the Perthsire League in his prime Charlee bamboozled fellow Scotsman and ex-England captain Mike Denness with his highland doosra.
Charlee is also credited with increasing the profile of cricket in Scotland. Back when pubs closed at lunchtime on Sundays Charlee’s mates use to ask him where he is going until opening time? Charlee’s reply was “The cricket club.”
“What the fook are you goin’ there for?” “Fookin’ cricket?”
Charlee kept his own counsel until one day they asked him “Why the foookin” cricket club?”
“Because the bar at the cricket club is open all day. You stupid cooonts!”
Cricket Club membership quadrupled with in a week!
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Donut
Donut is a chap who, when it comes to paying, he’s the first to put his hand in his pocket ….. and leave it there. He also breathes through his nose to keep his teeth from wearing out. Donut is forever visiting jumbo sales in his locality where he picks up some incredible bargains. “How much for the Teddy Boy suit mate”? “A pound governor”, “Thanks mate, I will have two”. Off he goes to the local hostelry in the evening suitably attired in his new suit asking the patrons if they can feed money into the jukebox so he can jive to the rock and roll sounds of the fifties. One thing many people do not know about Donut is his love of penguins. He often goes on Arctic expeditions to indulge his passion of stroking these aquatic beauties. He got mixed up one year and went on an Antarctic expedition where he thought the polar bears were an exotic species of albino penguins. When you visit his house you will more often than not find him submerged and cavorting in the bath tub with his three penguins PepperWiggle, Pumpkin and Sir Shitsalot. Throw some sardines in the bath and gaze in amazement as the four of them fight over these mouthwatering pleasures. After their swimming fun is over, they retire to the living room to watch old black and white movies and Donut giggles helplessly as the penguins try to work the remote control. You will easily recognize Donut at the sixes. He will be the one sitting in the bath wearing his penguin skin overcoat asking you for free tins of sardines, which he will take home and sell from his market stall in White City, “The Pickled Pilchard”.
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Dread
Dread, the merchant of the muff is once more back to the Chiang Mai fold. The mighty beef kebab comes back to town and all the virgins will be swooning at his feet and not only of the female persuasion. With his trusty weapon in hand the mighty beef cutlass epicurist will surely leave the streets of Chiang Mai littered with what were once virgins. Back in his day job, the Pimlico pimp likes nothing better than drinking vodka shandies while attending to his new hobby of dispensing agony aunt advice for his new magazine Fashion Doll Quarterly. “Dear Dread, will playing with my breasts make them bigger? My boyfriend insists it will. He’s 42 and I am 19. He spends the evening fondling them to see if his theory works. I don’t think there’s any truth in it and I really wouldn’t mind them having a rest”. Let us hope that Dread brings his fabulous collection of zebra suits this year. We can ask Randee to wear one and take him on a day trip to the tiger farm to see how he gets on with big cats. Please Dread, please, bring the zebra suits!
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Dubbsy
Having been released early from Wormwood Scrubs for his part in the Great Marks & Spencer lingerie grab, Dubbsy now heads to the more relaxed pastures of Chiang Mai. The bad news is that there are no shortages of shops selling intimate ladies apparel here. Someone will have to keep a firm leash on Dub to stop him getting up to all sorts of underwear mischief. Dubbsy is a very delicate dresser and he is extremely good with colours. His mix and match outfits would grace any catwalk in any city in the world. His famous collection of goose down underpants would put the fashion houses of Armani, Lagerfeld and Versace to shame. After serving his stretch, Dub is now a fully qualified beautician and it is a joy to watch the way he strips hair with wax and the lovely patterns he creates, his Brazilian is simply gorgeous. He once had a client who let’s say her front part was like a stab wound in a gorilla’s back. After Dubbsy finished his waxing magic it purred like a big cat and he had enough leftover hair to start his own wig business. If you fancy a curly wig just pop over and ask Dub and he will be more than glad to show you his wares and if you are lucky, he will throw in a free front fluff bikini wax. His landing strip style is especially sought after, as is the desert island wax which is a personal favourite of Dubs. Yoga poses will obviously help to get the job done in a brisk no nonsense fashion. Do not be shy, remember Dubbsy is a professional and you have nothing that he hasn’t seen before.
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Finder
What can we say about Finder? After diving into Google we find that said Finder loves to wrestle with Ena Sharples lookalikes. He has had 15 bouts so far and he has lost every one, but he just loves to get in the ring with these OAP lookalikes. On the weekend Finder likes to hang out with the monks at Buckfast Abbey. He just loves to get in the sackcloth with the alcoholic monks and sing bawdy songs about drunken pigs, Albanian midgets and MILF crusades. His unrivaled collection of disposable nappies knows no bounds whatsoever. His personal favourites are Huggies, Happy Nappy Co. and Lidl Toujours. He reckons they give the best skin sensation of all the disposables that are available and certainly the most absorbent. With his collection of frequent flyer miles, he feels the need to cash them in regularly to buy chunky laxative treats for his pet Chihuahua Bertie. And when Bertie lets fly; hence the need for the most absorbent nappies that money can buy. When in Chiang Mai come over and ask Finder about Bertie’s predilection and I am sure the conversation will be enthralling to say the least.
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Frisker
Fresh from abseiling down the appendages of Dolly Parton, we welcome Frisker. He is a fond lover of the genus known as the rhinopithecus (snub nosed monkey) and he usually invites them to all his cross dressing dinner and garden parties. He is extremely happy when he is sitting at his kitchen table making sculptures of transvestites from llama droppings, he lloves his llamas does Frisker. He is currently working on a codpiece sculpture made from steak tartare and he hopes to invite the boys round sometime for a couple of drinks and a few licks of his tasty meaty delight. His candle wax figurines in the shape of deviant objects can be admired up and down the land whenever you venture into one of the many massage parlours that Frisker co-owns with his partner Pfistme Pfister. You will easily spot Frisker in Chiang Mai as he will be the guy wearing a hat made from the dried secretions of a Japanese wrestler’s jockstrap, juggling three bull mastiffs and drinking his favourite brew of cottage cheese and diet Pepsi. Welcome back Frisker, we look forward to seeing you parade naked in the gay bars once more and remember, to never leave your best friends behind.
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Glennda
Glennda once more returns to the fold after his excursion into the deepest bowels of Hackney to find the legendary troop of dancing leopards dressed as the famous lesbian frogmen showband. I am happy to say it was a complete success and he is now contemplating hitting Putney to look for the legendary treats known as The Anal Maltesers. Goodness only knows what he will do with these delicacies. When enquiring of Glennda what he did with these anal delights, I would be tempted to ask this question upwind of him. I am happy to confirm that Glennda is settling down now and is content to spend most evenings at home where he spends his time knitting rubber prophylactics from a Firestone rubber tyre. When you bump into him ask him for a few free samples and I am sure the rib tickling sensation of these fine creations will keep you enthralled for hours. Make sure you ask for the cross ply as they seem to have a more “feathery feel” according to Glennda.
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HH70KG
HH70KG can always be relied on to be the life of the party. One of his favourites is to cover his high heeled spaniel Roger in melted smoked cheese and proceed to lick it off him while listening to his collection of Val Doonican recordings. He loves to sit in his Val Doonican rocking chair while viewing his assortment of jumpers which once belonged to the great man. This is a step in the right direction for a man who once kept 37.5 inflatable dolls in his holiday chalet in Butlins. I say 0.5 as he got far too excited one evening and he let his wild excitement get the better of him, hence only half a doll now remains. The sight of creamy fluid bursting everywhere was a sight to behold. One can only imagine the antics he will get up to once he hits Chiang Mai. One thing guaranteed is that Vaseline sales will explode through the roof or certainly Vaseline will be exploding in abundance wherever HH70KG is.
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J5
We now turn our attention to the wonderful, nay, the superb J5. Not a lot of people know this, but J5 tastes his food with his feet and he also sports a rather marvelous chin. He is an extremely classy and rather posh person and it has been yonks since he last wore his tiara. He can always be found in his black cab touting for business round the streets of old London town. He is constantly helping out damsels in distress but this costs him a bit and I know it is a bind but he may have to sell one of his castles to fund this charity work. His wife is always behind him and she has been an absolute brick since he got expelled from the scrabble club for sneaking vowels in, only to be caught by the doorman. He remembers the times fondly when J5 and his sister used to dress up the dog in a pirate costume and they used to shriek with laughter. He used to make his sister sleep in the dog basket but now he is completely devoted to her. He just loves walking up to Randee and spouting, “Randee, you are an extremely attractive waste of time”. J5 just loves to shop in the Kings road in Chelsea. On the odd occasion you will hear him saying, “I can’t come shopping in the Kings Road today darling, I am literally in Burma. You can often hear him mutter “sweetheart don’t feed the peasants; they will follow us back to the country house. J5 has a townhouse in Belgravia and the first sign that meets you is; “Expensive pets, please do not feed the peafowl on the patio”. You know when J5 is in residence as the flag is hoisted high above the house. He loves to drive around in his velvet covered Porsche throwing out alms to the needy on the streets of Brixton and Stoke Newington. If on an odd evening he wants to take you for a drink he will tell you, “the Chiltern Firehouse, Marleybone is the place to be seen darling”. He swears that taxidermy makes for great decoration. To entertain the peasants of an evening, he puts on a show with his dancing pitbull terriers, Squid Lips Sid, Captain Groin and Scurvy Leg Mcgee. Pop over to the cabana and have a chat. He will probably tell you, “I would love to stay and have a convivial drinkie with such a marvelous chap as you, but I must dash as I need to attend the lavatory. Toodaloo”. We are all looking forward to seeing our dashing main man once more.
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Jaggy
Jaggy can usually be found trotting round the streets of Stoke Newington and I do mean trotting. He sits in his Sulky (lightweight cart) wearing his ermine lined top hat, monocle and his waistcoat made from weasel pelts as he drives his two ponies, Harry Trotter and Forest Jump through the streets of said borough. He often stops at his preferred bake bean bar, The Steaming Pile for a good old dish of baked beans and prunes, washed down with his favourite laxative tea, The Mighty Movement. When Jaggy and his mate Girth walk the lanes in their pantomime horse costume you had better believe that Girth wants to be the front of the horse. Jaggy is at his happiest when he is at his local movie theatre and when he lets rip with his gassy delights, the joy on his face is wonderful when all around him are gagging fit to burst. His constant giggling gives him away and he is now barred from every cinema in Central London, Harrods, most maternity wear shops and the London Eye. He also lost his commission as the second lieutenant in the Thames submarine crew because of his malodorous pastime. Anyway enough of his partiality to dropping these windy delights, we now come on to his most joyous pastime of all, washing his feet in kitchen sinks. No matter whose house he is in, off come the socks in a flash and he is right in there with the dishes, Brillo pad in hand to give these manky feet a good old scrubbing. Do not be surprised to see him outside the toilets in Chiang Mai standing in the sink and giving his gunboats a good old seeing to with steel wool and a bottle of Dettol.
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JP
JP, our one and only “On the Buses” backstop, complete leg-end, barstead and lover of dancing frogs is back for his umpteenth visit to the Chiang Mai sixes. Our main man behind the stumps has the same thing in common with Michael Jackson; they both wear gloves for no apparent reason. His weird and wonderful bar romances are the talk of the town and we have a fond memory of the time he and his one legged girlfriend Stumpy won the three legged race in the aisles of the local Big C. In between humming ice cream van chimes, JP loves to cover himself in ice cream and sprinkles and invite the local OAP society round for a nibble or two from his nubile young body. JP loves to grow his toenails like a homeless person so he can eventually cut them off and chew and suck on them. Ask JP for some of his mouthwatering clippings and he will present you with a big bag of these delights for your munchy moments. When showering JP loves to helicopter his protrusion and watch as the soapy suds and water fly off. By all accounts he has got it down to a fine art. Talking of showering, there are two types of people in the world- those who admit they pee in the shower and downright liars. Suffice to say JP loves to engage in a tinkle when he is under the water cascade and his fondness for golden showers knows absolutely no boundaries. We welcome JP back to the sixes and look forward to him being breastfed by the local tribe of pygmy elephants and listen to him making his strange moaning and grunting noises while feasting on a yummy delight.
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Kandy
Take me from behind but don’t touch the family jewels has always been one of Kandy’s mottos. He is an earnest chain smoker and to try to give it up he now pours a gallon of petrol over himself every morning before heading out into the day. Kandy works as a deodorant sniffer in his local Debenhams. All sorts of people come in to buy deodorants and it is Kandy’s task to take them aside and sniff their armpits to see if that particular brand is for them. His favourite is Musky Mike and he recommends it to all the dock workers and bricklayers who pop in for a can of spray it on goodness. Kandy derives much pleasure from agalmatophilia, which in layman’s terms is that he is aroused by statues, dolls, mannequins and other bodily shaped objects. He gets absolutely lovesick when he visits the British Museum and it is not unknown for him to sit and stare at a statue for hours with a box of tissues for company. Do not let him near the toy department at John Lewis or there will be a big price to pay. Ripped open boxes of dolls and the plaintive moans of Kandy calling out “tease me Barbie and call me filthy names”. When Kandy visits his local Sainsbury’s, he gets up to all sorts of antics. Most pleasure is derived from asking old ladies to push him round the aisles in the supermarket trolley whilst depositing boxes of condoms in peoples’ trolleys when they aren’t looking. He also loves to steal the toy soldiers out of the cereal boxes so he can take them home, put on his Japanese General’s uniform and play war games into the early hours of the morning. If you see him wandering the streets in his uniform, just walk up to him and greet him with General Yashimoto it is a pleasure to meet you. He will be so pleased that he will dip into his pockets, give you some sweets and a cheeky little smile and ask you if you want to come round to the house for some tea. Politely decline, because these who enter are never seen again. If you see a guy pushing a tea trolley round Chiang Mai, it is probably best to avoid him.
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KC
KC, Blythswood’s only pop star has again declined a lucrative contract at Butlins Skegness to shake his bootee on the touring/festival scene. That’s the way aha he likes it and it is a shame that the Sunshine Band will not be in attendance this year. “Go Down Tonight” is one of his personal favourites and we are sure that there will be much going down tonight when KC hits the bars of an evening. When he approaches the dusky young maidens and asks them to “Give It Up” in his dark brown baritone brogue, you can be assured that is what they will certainly do. To watch KC performing in his local watering hole, you can only imagine the amount of old lady’s panties that come his way. He collects said items and he is in the process of making a mannequin with these dreamy delights so that he will have someone to talk to on his lonely evenings where he indulges his hobby of stitching quilts made from rabbits that his pet ferrets Muffin and Snickerdoodles hunt for silently whilst wearing mink lined bootees. When he gets bored with his quilting, KC pops round to his local zoo where he loves to sandpaper the elephants and tease out the matted hairs on the baboons’ backsides. and his other much loved antic is to moon the wolves to see if they will howl at it. You will find KC of an evening serenading his collection of exotic four feet River Ganges crabs to the tune of “I was Kaiser Bill’s Batman”.
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Lovee
After an injuree plagued 2018 Lovee is hoping to get back on the field this year. Despite a vast array of treatments including traditional and alternative: numerous off season trips to Chiang Mai Lovee’s groin has been slow to respond. Use Viagra some might say. But unfortunately the pharmacuetical industry has not been unable to “rise” to the challenge and find a cure for what ails our veteran. Lovee continues to dabble in Chiang Mai real estate so we hope his lovelee rep can help him in his ongoing rehabilitation.
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May
Lovee’s lovelee real estate agent is brave enough to return for tour 2. Last year May was full of wonder at the Sixes. Classic comments like
“I’ve never seen so many farang in the same place.”
“Why are they wearing those clothes when it is so hot?”
“Your friends drink a lot of beer!”
Hopefully May will be a little bit wiser after last year’s initiation and enjoy the experience even more.
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Monkey
Monkey is once again returning to the sixes, so it will be fun to see him again mistaking lady boys for the real thing. His limitless energy knows no bounds thanks to the many batteries that he places in his body sockets; and then he is off and running for the evening. When he is not racing greyhounds down at Romford he can usually be found nosing round the cheese section at Selfridges. He loves to get inside the cheese counters wearing his latest male catalogue underwear and rolling around the various assortments of cheeses much to the disgust of old ladies who have popped in for their weekly half pound of cheddar. He loves to make snowman friends and take them home with him. He will read them the latest stories from Readers Digest but he is always disappointed when he comes down in the morning and they have just vanished. “Oh well, time to make some new friends again” he says. Monkey loves to toast marshmallows on the back of his pet porcupine Sparky. The fun they have together in the evenings, regaling each other with sea shanties, drinking mead and scoffing the marshmallow delights make him the envy of all his friends. Monkey would like it to be known he is now a practicing cult member of the “Chosen Ones of Hikhi”. Their main aim in life is to gather in groups and to watch each other’s bodily movements and suggest improvements to their said movements so that they can attain to the next level of spiritual well-being. Monkey is now at the next level which is that of goat watcher and when he attains the next level which is ladies’ underwear stealing off washing lines there is no knowing how far he will go. Lock up your lady boys, Monkey is back in town.
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Pindee
Blythswood’s most passionate supporter. The young man in the Acubra has been a regular in the Blythswood cabana for many years. Loves his trips to the Sixes never misses a game and always has a smile on his face. While the boys are playing silly shots or over indulging in shots after a game Pindee is a calm steadying influence letting chaos and failure wash over him. We love him!
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Princess
The real estate magnate of the Philippines returns for another round at the sixes. Yes, we are talking about the Princess. She will be delivering her daily sermons to Charlee about his misbehaving and drinking far too much of an evening. We do need her steady hand to guide all of us miscreants. The Princess brings some much needed glamour to team that is, well, let’s face it, is a rather disparate bunch of individuals. Charlee can only wonder yet again how many extra pairs of shoes he will be taking back to Saudi and will he get hit for extra baggage? If you feel the need to unburden yourself, pop over to the Blythswood cabana where you will be given a sympathetic ear and the charge is only one handbag per session. When she returns to the Philippines in the Summer: once more will she gaze out on her vast empire and contemplate extending the bugger once more. Welcome back Princess.
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Randee
Randee, the grubby groper turns up once more to scare the young boys and girls of Chiang Mai. He malevolently weaves his way through the back streets wearing that leery look on his coupon. To look at him you would think his face caught on fire and someone extinguished it with a golf shoe. We have no guide this year so the poor guy will have to carry his own cricket gear instead of what he thinks is his own personal slave to carry and fetch for him. Randee is the envy of perverts everywhere, he knows every glory hole in Acton and he is currently working on a handyman’s guide to these one eyed vomiting womb ferret pleasure palaces. He will charge you fifty quid per copy because he is tighter than a ducks arse on ice. When Randee attends the weekly meetings at the Narcissist Society, you can be assured that he is the only one in attendance. He has an ego so big, it has its own climate. After he is finished congratulating himself, he retires to the attic to play with his Thomas the Tank Engine dildos, read a copy of Model Railway Weekly and dress up in his one-piece body condom. You can usually find Randee after dark in multistorey car parks. He loves to gaze at himself in all the car mirrors prancing and preening in the small hours of the morning. If he spots a hair out of place, wham, out pops his licorice whip Bunty for a bit of self-flagellation. Randee has a particularly fond craving for eproctophilia, which simply means he has a craving for human flatulence. Male or female I hear you ask, makes no difference to him, he just loves boy or girl methane odours. After his late night ramblings Randee loves nothing better than to head home and give himself a good old seeing to whilst watching old reruns of Tin Tin cartoons. Randee is back at the sixes, young girls be afraid, young girls’ grandmothers be very afraid
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Sheriff
Sheriff likes nothing better than dressing up in his pigeon’s costume and plying his trade in Trafalgar Square. To watch him sitting atop nelson’s column is one from the pleasure palace and good old Nelson his three-year-old German Shepherd always has a smile on his face. After dark, he can be found wandering the back streets of Soho clutching the latest edition of Spanking Weekly and heading into coffee parlours looking for fellow devotees so that they can compare notes on the latest startling facts on the wonderful, nay, superb world of the art of the spank. Sheriff always has a Vaseline filled glove on his left hand in case he feels the need to self-lubricate in sticky situations and the good news is that he is always willing to share. At weekends he can be found on his allotment in Hackney where he practices his Morris dancing with his three pet pigs, Gwendoline, Sparkles and Blossom. The rhythmic stepping and waving of handkerchiefs in time to the music of Stretch Miller of these four vanguards of this culture would bring tears to a glass eye. We look forward to seeing and hearing Sheriff when he arrives in Chiang Mai wearing his bell pads on his shins and waving his rhythm stick for everyone to admire with amazed admiration at its rather strangely bent shape.
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Sir Rajinald
Now we come to our esteemed captain, Sir Rajinald. When our medallion man is not frequenting the Lickety Split nightclub in Shepherds Bush, he can often be found wandering his local neighborhood wearing a white wig and a bin liner pretending to be a pint of Guinness. His fondness for Wison’s Dog Meal means he is guaranteed fun filled evenings. He covers himself in this delicacy and loves to invite stray bulldogs into his man cave to eat these morsels from his hirsute physique. His other beloved apparel is to tie kippers to his string vest and strut around the top floor of Harrods much to the amazement of terrified school children. Close your eyes and you can still see him striding around his cricket crease stage like a brilliantly fidgety, bright-eyed Victorian badger in a waistcoat and tails who has somehow learned to talk in fluent Apache. In fact, give him 7 or 8 vodkas and fluent Apache is his normal language. He is our main man in times of crisis and his men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. Sir Rajinald is leading a team that has the full six-pack but unfortunately lacks the plastic thingy holding it all together. We look forward to the great man’s leadership, cunning and skill when he leads his band of troops into battle.
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Sweaty
Now we come to Sweaty, what to say? Only that he makes the best budgie head warmers from pipe cleaners that defy logic, they come in many gorgeous colours and styles. I think his best were the ones he created for the Ann Summers catalogue in the style of soft fluffy French ticklers so adored by Irish navvies. He loves to scour the globe for the latest in rectal creams, his current favourite is the “Moroccan Helmet” which he states is the smoothest sensation one can get without feeling the smallest bit of discomfort. HH70KG would disagree as he is Mr. Vaseline after all. Sweaty has no problem if you wish to come over to the Blythswood cabana and sample his fine array of creams. One look at your ring and he can tell right away what ails you and what creamy fondant whip will sort out your needs and you can sleep restfully of an evening. He also has a fine array of nipple clamps if that is your particular bent and his mink lined and felt covered clamps are big sellers down the dockyards in many European cities. We look forward to welcoming Sweaty to the sixes and particularly want to see what is in his big bag of relief
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Two Ball
Two Ball’s boundless enthusiasm makes him a big hit at children’s parties. He likes to turn up wearing his Noddy costume and lets all the kiddies play with his bell. When he is not renting himself out, he will spend time in his local IKEA hiding in wardrobes, jumping out and flashing old ladies who happen to be passing by. When he tires of the wardrobe activity he heads down to the kitchens to jump out of sinks and scare the DIY shoppers. Dave has a peculiar fondness for corsets and basques and he visits his local department store and parade himself in the front window of the shop to see which lingerie items passing pedestrian traffic prefer. Dave will then head up to the bedding department in his exotic underthings where customers can get a tasty lap dance from Dave on the king sized bed of his choosing. Weekends are a particular delight for him as he gets to play at his local park. His fondness for the roundabouts and the swings are endless and when he plays on the seesaw with his hedgehog friend, Quill Shakespeare, he has the absolute best time of his life. He owns a Bosch cordless hedgehog trimmer and uses it to cut the spines, eyelashes and pubes of his spiky pet. Probably needs sharpening judging by the mess he made of him last time he was pruning. To watch him Later on you will find him frothing at the mouth and shouting obscenities at his Grandfather who absolutely forbids him from playing on the springy farting rocking horse Puff. Dave’s predisposition for golden showers and tea bagging knows absolutely no bounds. If you are invited round to Dave’s for a Tijuana tea party, a clam slam and a roast beef rub, you know you are in for a jolly good time. He will generally have five or six golden bags in with his cricket gear and he never misses the chance to give himself a good dousing. He also likes to perform the tender art of double loafing when he gets to Bangkok with his friend Merv the Perv who is always asking, “should I rub myself” when he enters Soi Cowboy. Pop over to the Cabana and ask Two Ball for a couple of his golden delights and he will show you the best way to give yourself a good splash down.
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Wun99
Wun99 was such a big faced kid that his parents used him as a satellite dish. After being stuck on his mum and dad’s roof for five years he became rather proficient at balancing, so that is why he is now a condominium cat burglar in the Ekamai area of Bangkok. He actually wears a catsuit when he is scaling these Condos and if he does not have a successful night he can be seen hunting for rats and mice in The early hours of the morning in Patpong. Wun99 loves to play with lard and he really enjoys smearing it all over his body and asking rather large female wrestlers to give him a vice like squeeze to see how far they can shoot him off. This generally takes place in barber’s shops and it was when he was walking home all covered in hair that gave him the idea for the catsuit. He has about seventeen different suits which he garnered from sweet talking to pussies and taking them back to his underground cave to give them a shave. It is rather disconcerting to see him wandering the streets in his hairy suit while at the same time having three or four mackerels dangling from his more than perfect teeth. Wun99 is selling all the carpets in his house. They are all unused because Wun99 can hover three inches above the ground. He loves to build vinegar cabinets and he has some lovely unusual vinegar cabinets for sale which contain some lovely unusual vinegar. Pop over to the cabana for a vinegar tasting if you feel the urge. Wun99 usually performs in girlie bars wearing his child’s Paul Simon costume and belts out all the crowd favorites, such as “upstairs in the attic I heard a scream, who put the sand in the Vaseline.” He also moonlights as a mobile hairdresser, “I will cut your hair while you sit on my handlebars”, He will also sell you his Sherlock combs, which solve the mystery of hair. They come with a year’s supply of opium flavoured brylcreem, “yours for a fiver or murder my neighbor for me”. We are all looking forward to seeing Wun99 at the sixes resplendent in his variety of assorted catsuits.
