Blythswood return to The Sixes this year with a cast of thousands. The squad has never been bigger and given the fact we always attract “New Chaps" and "New Supporters” we will definitely be over the bus limit and the cabana will be overflowing. It could be a convoy of Tuk Tuks to and from the ground. Mind you Charlee and Lovee will always be there early doors to watch the first ball to be bowled and of course the breakfast of champs helps them get the day underway. Boy do these guys love their bananas.
Tour 14 for the church side from Essex. Each year we hope we uphold the moral values of our founding fathers. And spread the Blythswood gospel.
“Team spirit is built in the showers!”
Any other sides that like to worship with Blythswood are welcome to join us in this holy ritual. The Foxy Lady and Celebrity Shower are very pious places.
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Chacha
Blythswood’s version of Michael Bevan (please see Canterbury 1997 for explanation) returns to The Sixes this year after recovering from injury. Please remember Chacha doesn’t sign autographs during a game. And may need assistance in spelling his name. When Chacha is not cavorting about men’s gymnasiums trying to get new clients for his Teezy Weezy emporium, he is busy dreaming about unicorns with green hair and buffed 50-year-old women with huge biceps and pink rinses. A man has to have a hobby after all. Chacha the wet dreamer, the fastest scissors in the West, back in the fold and it is good to see him in Chiang Mai once again.
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Dipstick
A young athletic Dipstick burst onto The Sixes scene for Blythswood a few years ago. He excelled with bat and ball and was athletic in the field. He now returns to bolster the squad a mature hardened experienced cricketer. What the f* is he doing playing for us and why is he not wearing women’s clothing anymore? He really does look good in high heels, pink lipstick, Camay knickers and a big bloke hanging off his arm.
Brother of Pindee. Son of J5. Nephew of Rodders. Sounds like an introduction from Lord of the Rings!
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Glenn
When Glenn is not knitting and brushing his fashionable range of assorted merkins, ask him nicely for his favourite merkin knitting patterns, he has hundreds, Glenn can usually be found watching movies of a dubious nature in the bowels of Soho cinemas, tissues and Vaseline in hand. We believe his particular favourite is “Catholic High School Girls in trouble”, but another favourite Glenn recommends is “My Bowling Ball Got Fingered”. Glenn loves to watch women’s TV, but he is always getting kicked out of their bedrooms. For goodness sake Glenn, that is not what a woman’s bedroom is for, have you no shame? Glenn was a welcome addition to the Blythswood cheerleading squad last year and it is a great pleasure to welcome the big fella back again. Let us hope that he can keep MTW away from these establishments where he engages in acts of an extremely creamy nature. We have heard his favourite movie is “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”. Go boys go!
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JP
The Power returns for tour number a lot. We all hope he has recovered from the groin injury he suffered at deep mid/wicket last year. In his own words, ”I am the only one who would have dived for that!” He did not dive, he tripped over his ego.
However later that night suspicions arose that JP did not suffer the injury at deep mid wicket but it actually occurred in a first storey room deep down Loi Krah Road the evening before. JP is known to cavort with people of dubious reputations, ping pong balls and strawberries are JP’s great weakness, as is his fondness for the coiffured greatness of Randee. Look at what the boy has done for JP’s mullet. Great with the gloves but we all know JP dives on and off the field. Muffdivers alive, we dive at five.
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KC
For the second year in a row KC refused to tour with The Sunshine Band. Their loss is our gain, as also is the great big uplifting power bra that he wears. Enlarged scrotum syndrome helps him to power balls to the boundary but hampers running between the wickets. He has a penchant for drinking cocktails of a dubious nature, wet ones are his joy in life. He also decided not to play hockey and declined to take up an offer of employment in his great uncle’s fried chicken empire. Welcome back KC!
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Lovee
Rumour has it that Blythswood’s onlee other original has been dabbling in Chiang Mai real estate recentlee. You should see the patch he has just invested in. Although contracts have not been exchanged yet Lovee seems optimistic of a long term mutually beneficial outcome.
A frequent visitor to Chiang Mai, Lovee has developed some uncannee talents off the field. The onfield ones declined long ago. Lovee has the abilitee to locate places that sell beer and where you can p* s* and not get arrested when everywhere is closed and we are lost.
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Master Time Waster
When MTW is not prancing around town with old age pensioners at the local hop, he has been known to lark around at the local swimming baths gazing at scantily clad people whilst wearing his cardboard mankini. He loves to hang round hairdressing salons watching ladies getting their legs and underarms waxed, and now and again he will join them for a cup of tea, Digestive biscuit and a chat. Boy, MTW loves the high life. His idea of a fun night out is to visit public toilets with chocolate on his hands, reach under the stalls and ask for toilet paper. We all wish him a happy adventure in Chiang Mai and we are sure he will get up to all sorts of risqué escapades when he is let loose of an evening.
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New Chap
New Chap is something of a phenomenon for Blythswood, he can actually play cricket! We look forward to New Chap showing his class when he strides the field and impresses us with his ball control. We can always do with a resident Pro to show us how to do the correct things, regular exercise and no alcohol for the week. He has to go! We know some interesting things about New Chap, he likes to sleep with the bedroom light on even though his wife reckons it’s weird. He doesn’t see why – he thinks it makes a great hat. His favourite thing these days is to inhale some helium, walk up behind little kids, and say “Follow the yellow brick road!”. Welcome to the Sixes and the team that is Blythswood.
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Rodders
Our Skippa and one of only two Blythswood originals who leads from the front and we would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. Fortunately, Rodders often leads the team to some strange and unusual places where midgets and women with copious breasts gather, we love him for his diversity. Despite his unusual social compass and late night stamina, Rodders is always in fine form on the field, he has the full six pack but lacks the plastic thingy that holds it all together.
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Sidnee
Sidnee, Sidnee, welcome back to our foul mouthed bingo loving, grandmother dating, young man. Sidnee has been known to drink genteel sherry cocktails of an early morning. Two pints of port and sherry are his preferred kick start for the day, we can only imagine what superpowers Sidnee dreams of having after downing said beverages. Sidnee is the only chap who we’ve met who fell in love with himself at an early age and has remained faithful ever since. We look forward to Sidnee regaling us with his ribald bad taste jokes and we certainly can’t wait until Sidnee starts his lascivious behaviour in the bars around Chiang Mai.
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The Machine
There are no banana daiquiris with double good stuff where Charlee lives. So when Charlee escapes the dryness of the desert for The Sixes the safety valve comes off and it is time to oil The Machine, and I know that this machine likes to be lubricated. He is as smooth as oiled smoke when the fancy takes him. As Charlee would say, “There is nothing like a Scottish education. One is left with an irreparable debt. My head is full of irregular verbs still”. You can’t keep a good man down and down he will never be.
Charlee has never knowingly bowled a wide at The Sixes but unfortunately the men in black and white rarely agree with him. He has been known to bowl maidens over though. A man can dream!
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Divvy
Divvy cannot make it this year as he is adding to his collection of exotic snails. He is in the wilds of Borneo looking for the slimiest filthiest snails he can find. Paris restaurants cannot keep up with his desire for these escargot morsels. When he is not on the snail hunt he has been known to pilfer sexy lingerie from Victoria’s Secret. His collection of old lady’s blouses is a sight to behold. He regularly holds underwear exhibitions in the Kings Cross Underground where he models these charms on a fortnightly basis. He has been banned from many Soho hostelries because of his predilection for kissing the patrons who have the finest looking handlebar moustaches. One can only imagine the sort of nonsense he would have got up to had he made it to Chiang Mai this year. Hope to see you next year, you will be sadly missed.
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Dread
The regal Lothario is back once more with his extra-large suits, various assortments of French ticklers and all sorts of aids that keep him and his ‘friends’ up to the early hours of the morning. His toilet training therapy has worked a treat and he is no longer scared of hanging around public places and joining in with the locals. Well done big fella we are so proud you overcame that particular fear. When he was a waiter in his local bordello, one of the customer’s asked him how he prepared the chicken? Quick as a flash Dread replied, I tell it straight: “You’re going to die.” That is the kind of chap we are glad to see once more, and we look forward to evenings out with the legend of love, the connoisseur of class and the puppy of passion. We could go on, but Dread lets his actions do the talking and we just sit back in awe and admire his true class.
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Embers
Our Eastend postee could be a late inclusion to make his Sixes debut. Long overdue it would be as well. Despite having dubious origins at a feeder club Embers proved himself a worthy Blythswoodian where it counts. Yes, in the showers. Quick with the banter. Loves his beers and a formidable accumulator of leg byes.
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Frank
Say what you like about Frank, but there is no doubting that he will be a welcome addition to the Blythswood squad. He loves to chase parked buses and vans, hence that extremely squashed nose and total lack of teeth and the look of a boxer dog on speed. Frank has been harvesting pine trees since he was six and woe betide anyone who dares to wander into his magic forest without a prior appointment. He will set his one legged dwarves on you after they have finished their rum drinking and backside kicking contest. He adores his dwarves and he keeps them in the toilet cistern in his exotic penthouse pad in Gibraltar. Frank particularly adores Spanish women, especially if they sport heavy beards and big feet. We have laughed at the number of times he has strolled down the high street with a very hirsute Spanish señorita wearing his ermine lined donkey jacket. This will be Frank’s first time in Chiang Mai, so bring along a dwarf, pine tree or a hairy Spanish lady to make him feel at home.
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Guv
Blythswood are sad to announce the passing of Allan "Guv" Radford following a recent battle with illness. Guv was one of the tourists on Blythswood's inaugural and unbeaten (our only scheduled game was rained off without a ball being bowled !) tour to Bali back in 2001 as well as several tours to Devon. His wittiness and dry sense of humour will be greatly missed by all those who knew him. We will raise a few glasses in honour in Chiang Mai throughout the week whilst remembering the good old days chatting in the clubhouse of how "the 2nd team would beat the 1st team" and some classic one liners such as "..........what's wrong with the obvious choice !?" (please see Kev for explanation).
Here's to you Guv, RIP.
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Half Inch
Although another player from a lesser known feeder club, Half Inch has proved a highly valuable Blythswoodian. Half Inch was not a regular visitor to the showers (hence the nickname), preferring to make a name for himself in the nightclubs or Essex and cafés of Bruges. As his nickname suggests Half Inch has always been just short of a good length but rumour has it he does swing it both ways. A capable player with bat and ball, unfortunately Half Inch has been harshlee dealt with by the selectors over the years. So we are all hopeful that an appearance in Chiang Mai will let his unfulfilled talent blossom. He would be the second man picked in our Sexy Six.
Half Inch's chiselled good looks will have the local ladies queuing up to bar fine him and the massage girls reaching for an extra bottle of oil. Making him an even more slippery character. Let's hope Half Inch can get his 1.25 cm to Chiang Mai soon.
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J5 BOP
Father of our Number 1 ticket holder J5 has onlee graced the field once at The Sixes, but what a performance, looking regal and dainty while keeping wicket in only his underpants. Boy did Randee enjoy that, He filled his memory on his phone in 5 seconds flat. Given the self-destructive aging injury prone team that we are J5 could well be pressed into service this year. Brother to our skippa’. Blythswood could well see two Swinging Singhas at the wicket together. Heaven help the scorers!
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Jella
Jella, the prima donna ballet dancer who graces the football pitch now makes his debut on the cricket pitch. Jella does like to wander the streets early mornings drinking vast quantities of strawberry punches and singing ribald songs about sailors. If you meet him, early doors, join him in a chorus or two singing jolly japes about Barnacle Bill the sailor. If you do this, he will be your best friend for life and he will turn up at your house at odd hours wearing his buccaneer’s costume and trailing his pet pig Belvedere with him. Jella is also known for his fondness for stuffing cream trifles down his underpants and riding his pet pig Belvedere into battle in the mezzanine floor lifts of large hotel chains such as Hilton and Best Western. He will greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call him Admiral. What a great guy, we look forward to seeing him in Chiang Mai.
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Jens
Jens, that fine looking Danish charmer joins us again for some fun in the sun. Let us hope that he remembers to bring his extra-large jar of Vaseline this year. He just loves to smear that slippery stuff all over, and it will save us from having lend him our vast samples of Nivea lotion again. Jens idea of fun is to pull rabbits out of a hat, but if no rabbits are available, he will pull hares from his backside. We do so look forward to that trick. Jens loves to lick armpits so if you see him approaching with that leery armpit stare, best you run very quickly in the opposite direction. You cannot miss Jens, as he is six foot seventeen inches and he wears a monocle and a top hat festooned with the hides of Moroccan goats. He will happily eat seven hedgehogs for breakfast washed down with a bucket of Pimms No. 5. He is not a man to be trifled with as he munches on his vast quantity of chest hair and black pudding. Good to see you back gracing the sixes once more, big guy.
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MadiganGill
http://www.madigangill.co.uk/
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May
May makes her debut for Blythswood at The Sixes this year. Introduced to cricket by Lovee a while ago. May’s question was “Why do so many farang wear funny clothes and stand around in the sun all day?” Hopefully by the end of the week May will know the answer to her question. I am sure Lovee will do his best to enlighten her.
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Nielsens
http://nielsens.net/
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Peter Brown
This testosterone fueled individual should jump start everyone in morning with jump leads attached to his and our testicles to energise our forthcoming day’s adventures. An experienced tourist but unsure if PB has ever batted or bowled in anger at The Sixes. PB has a knack of spotting women of questionable genealogy at 100 paces, god bless him as he identifies avenues we should not explore. PB used to have a very discerning palate in regard to the social life in Chiang Mai but now the difference between seafood and beef come to mind, or is that sausage and taco? When you are out with PB you never know what is on the menu.
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Pindee
Blythswood’s Number 1 ticket holder. Best supporter and usually best dressed. We love that hat! Pindee screams for the team win lose or draw (we did tie a Plate Final a few years ago). Pindee is a complete Blythswood leg-end.
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Princess
The real estate magnate who own one fifth of the Philippines and is probably the sanest member of our squad. The only person we know who can keep The Machine from malfunctioning. Not an easy task. Princess brings calm to a dishevelled bunch of wonderful people and her passion for shoes, handbags and assorted trinkets will never be diminished. As long as The Princess is around, misbehaviour will never occur. Thankfully The Princess is not always around. Hurrah!
