A team / rabble of local expatriates working in the Tobacco Industry… Floggers being the sellers of and Robbers being the buyers of tobacco leaf. However, this year… it’s a floggers affair!
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Ant ‘Filthy, horrible, scummy, selfie-loving, Albino Chippendale’ Robertson (New Zeeeeeland)
Over the years, Ant has solidified his reputation as filthy, scumbag around pretty much every amateur sporting event around South East Asia. His newfound lifestyle of pumping iron, coupled with his self-imposed Auschwitz diet has further bolstered this image. Unfortunately however, as he is now seeing parts of his body that have been hidden for a number of years, he has discovered a penchant for stripping off to almost nothing at any possible opportunity. What hat this strict new fitness regime hasn’t provided Ant with however is one iota of additional talent in any arena of sport. With that said, and having been rejected from most other teams in the tournament, he was a natural pic for the Floggers… We just hope he can hit the ball a hell of a lot better than he does on the golf course.
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Ant ‘Ol Father Time’ Jackson
Jacko’s claim to fame was attending the same school as W. G. Grace. Not much of a claim and even less impressive when you realize that he had already graduated several years before Grace himself was even enrolled.
However he has forgotten more about cricket than most people will ever know. Literally. At this point we’re not even sure he remembers his own name. If he actually manages to remember the tournament is on and find the ground it will be a promising sign for the ongoing clinical trials of Xtlyefromazadoodiddywopwopapan™, an experimental drug to combat senile dementia. Assuming he does somehow make it - and on the even longer odds that he manages to actually play without injuring himself or those around him - it will be nothing short of a miracle and an example to senior citizens everywhere.
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Chris ‘Jitterbug’ Allen
The bees fly north during the winter harvest as the moon crescents in its trimester phase, broadening the existential gap to the rings of Saturn as masked men riding a phalanx of unicorns parade before the Council of Omerta. Tyger Tyger, burning bright, In the forests of the night; What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry? Wibble.
If you think that’s esoteric and cryptic then try talking to Chris after having had a few. Even better, try watching Chris play whilst having a few. You’ll swear that you’re drunk after only a few sips.
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Danny ‘Hitman’ Hartman
The silent assassin. Man of mystery. A potential match-winner with both bat and ball… I say these things out of hope (and desperation) for finally having at least one person on the team who can play even though I have never actually seen Danny play cricket previously and have heard some pretty unflattering scouting reports.
And whilst I am an eternal optimist (and desperate), unfortunately however I have witnessed the spectacle of seeing him play golf, or at least his approximation of playing golf, so I do not hold out much hope for his cricket prowess. Or for the future of humanity. In fact, since having witnessed such spectacle, it has truly shaken my previously sunny disposition and left me with PTSD. Yes, it was that bad.
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Dave ‘Ndege’ Hird
The last surviving member of the ‘Originals’, an ill-fated expeditionary force sent to Chiang Mai from MaaBritish via Zimbabwe in The Year of our Lord Lord Eighteen hundred and six to open trade routes to the oriental and find potential settlements for a colony of lily-white cricketers. Contact was lost sometime in 1809 with all presumed lost or gone troppo / feral.
What superlatives can be said about this man that haven’t already been said?? A fearless leader of men, the glue that binds, the spine of the team…
… If that spine belonged to a 98 year old man, had curvature, had been broken multiple times, and had degenerative and herniated discs.
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Jay-Jon ‘Muff Diver’ Strifler
A CM 6’s legend… In the literal sense of the word… In that we’re not sure if he can play cricket.
By way of explanation I offer this: he’s Canadian. Therefore we can’t even be sure at this point if he has ever seen a cricket bat and ball much less played a game. Actually we can’t even be certain that such a thing as a Canadian cricketer exists or has ever existed and evidence is mounting that someone just made him up as a joke. Coincidentally not at all unlike another legend with its origins in Canadian folklore, the beaver.
The mythical beast that is the national mascot / symbol / currency / Prime Minister of Canadaland. That’s Jay-Jon, he’s our team’s beaver.
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John ‘Gollum’ Wood
Apparently had talent once upon a time but we’re convinced that most of his runs have been made off “no balls…” he’s only three and half feet tall and we’re sure he grew up in a cave and survives solely on earwax! Hopefully this year we see John making it passed net practice and actually playing a game without claiming some sort of injury. And should this eventuality occur it is always a humorous experience watching John dry running behind the F & R tent…
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Leandro ‘Caveman’ Silveira
WADA (‘World Anti-Doping Agency’): Chiang Mai Cricket 6’s Out of Completion Test Report
Subject Name: Silveira, Leandro.
Test Results (‘A’ Sample): Unusually high levels of both testosterone and estrogen; enough anabolic present in blood-stream to kill a whole paddock of horses.
Test Results (‘B’ Sample): Urine analysis of ‘B’ sample proved inconclusive; lab report indicates faint smell of ammonia nitrate, caipirinha, and churrasco (NB: lab technician comment “WTF!?”)
Conclusion: Dude is definitely on the ‘roids!!
Recommendation: Immediate suspension from competition; 356 year ban or until his biceps implode, whichever one comes first.
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Mike ‘Ham Khiao’ Green (Zimbabwe) – Spiritual Leader
Mike is more accustomed to putting cricket bats with scribbles on up in glass boxes behind his bar and then spending a staggering amount of time admiring them while self-lubricating and practicing for slammer sessions than actually picking one up and swinging it. That said, on occasions Mike has picked the correct ball of the three he is seeing and when he does, wow does it stay hit. Beware anyone who has a cock-up or more importantly displays any degree of talent on the pitch, Mike has a ‘slammer-able offence’ memory like an elephant and he hates skitting (showing off) more than anything. He will punish you all for transgressions.
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Simon ‘Grumps’ Grant
Last spotted at the 6’s on the pitch, butt-naked, tripping over the boundary rope and performing a spectacular face-plant. Nobody is quite sure why or what he was trying to achieve by that endeavor which pretty much sums up his contribution to the team and stands as a good analogy for his play. Replaced as keeper by the technically, athletically and aesthetically more gifted Ant ‘Walls of Jericho’ Robertson, Simon will be seen with balls in hand this year. And probably not whilst bowling either.
His mystery ball is truly a mystery. A riddle, wrapped in leather mystery, inside an enigmatic bowling action. Will it go straight on? Reverse swing? Yorker? Off-cutter? All those things at the same time?! Nobody knows and least of all Simon himself.