Purple Helmets

Purple Helmets Players

• Brett Farmer

  Brett Farmer is in town. Did you notice the Gulfstream G700 at Chiang Mai airport? Well that's not his, he flew TG economy. Another one of the Helmets that could be in the KGB, he goes for months without a peep & all of sudden here he is!

  

• Darren Grist

  By all accounts Gristy will be joining the Helmets this year, after going missing on two occasions last year. Despite saying he was hospitalised and referred to as a "hairy Buddha" by the Vietnamese nurses – rumour has it, that he was locked in a basement with a man dressed in a gimp suit. His ability to disappear without trace has been likened to when Jamie Cutbill is asked to pay for a round.

  Either way, our plus sized legend will be out and about in town, likely cuddling a teddy bear that he got from Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor on the last visit to Epstein’s Island. Likely to be found wandering around his Panamanian Petting Zoo when not on the filed, or wolfbagging in Ram Bar in the evening.

  

• Ian Harling

  "He’s back! Chucker has successfully defected from the Lanna camp to join the helmets again. It’s the one week a year he can stop pretending he likes those guys and truly be the wild animal he was born to be.

  Also, in a terrifying lapse of judgment, we’ve empowered Chucker to order the shirts again this year. If we all end up wearing extra small kit, you know who to blame!

  

• Jon " What colour is your Audi?" Scales

  Mr Jonny Velvet is back in the squad this year, after a years absence and hanging out with his favourite plebs.

  The medical tent have been stocking up on Gaviscon, so hopefully Velvet & his stomach will make it though the week.

  The Helmets will be hoping he doesn't have a full on flounce like in Koh Chang where Pizza, Coconut shakes and Espresso Martini's caused him to go missing on the final day.

  Word of warning - If he invites you to Palm Villa for a "tik-tok live", my best advice is to make other plans..!

  Trump Tavern looking for a new owner.

  

• Martin Peters

  We are expecting big things from Rehab this year who will surely be trying to impress his new wife Eni with his cricketing ability.

  Eager to impress & covering all the bases - Eni has been promised a day trip to the Chiang Mai Erotic Garden & daily lunch at the "all you can eat" German Sausage place just outside of the ground.

  

• Paul Jeffels

  Big Jeff (and we aren't talking about his Girlfriend) is back & gout free! Hoping to get his "stroke" rate over 100 this year.

  Now living in Vietnam as Bangkok was becoming "all a bit too much" for him!

  Travels the world under the disguise of "luxury travel agent" , is in contact with Double Agent Matt Bray & makes regular trips to Beijing & Moscow.

  Will be preforming some readings from Chops's "Touring Thailand with Thai's" book throughout the week.

  

• Tony Slatter

  The legend of Loi Kroh returns! Tony is back & attempting to balance a world-class blood-alcohol level with the physical demands of standing in the field for ten minutes at a time.

  Moving to a new hotel after last year’s "misunderstanding" over a stain on the sheets which Tony claimed was "excess sunblock" or "spilled electrolyte drink"

  

• Vaughan McClear

  Thailand cricket legend Uncle V will once again be the only sensible person in this collection of idiots. Despite living in Redruth for a few years, he didn’t pick up any of their traditions such as living off benefits and marrying their sister – he’s still well known in that part of the world, having been named after “Bouncer” the dog from Neighbours. Who said that The Cornish are a bit thick? Must have been someone from Camborne with that level of wit.

  No doubt Uncle V will be using his diplomatic skills to ensure that The Helmets do not get into too much trouble – and his experience of dealing with “The Panic Room” incident in Phuket some years back will serve him well.

  Expect him to be one of the consistent performers on the pitch as well as most sensible.

  Our token Shackledragger, in a team full of POMS.

  

Purple Helmets Supporters

• Captain Jack

  Chiang Mai's most famous cat will be dialing in for video calls to keep his servants / idiots in line. He'll be hoping to get paid in treats and a new item from his sponsor, Cat Tree UK.

  

• Eni Peters

  Eni "Puff Puff" Peters will be getting her first experience of The Purple Helmets, jetting in from Lagos.

  Eni recently got married to Rehab here at Chiang Mai Gymkhana in December. The visa was touch & go for a while when the immigration officer asked her "What do you see in the Millionaire Martin Peters?" - "A lot of Zeros" Eni replied..!

  For those looking to meet a Nigerian Prince - she may have some contacts.

  

• Lemon - Manager

  Lemon - The esteemed legend of Los (sic) Malakas joins The Helmets in a Managerial role when not displaying his cricketing skills for The Malakas.

  Lemon will be organising bowling coaching courses between Slammer sessions and sporadic readings of Chops's "Touring Thailand with Thais" book.

  He's particularly hoping for a Malakas v Helmets match up.

  If anyone is causing any problems - speak to The Manager.

  

• Lozza Peters

  Lozza Peters is back once again in support. Martins eldest daughter & heir apparent! To be fair, she didn't really have a choice as she is now a Chiang Mai resident.

  Lozza is on the hunt for a nice young man, her Bumble profile says she likes going to the movies, enjoys walks in the park & loves generosity! what ever that means..!

  Her Thai lessons are going particularly well, apparently she can now get her mouth around anything..!

  Will be responsible for serving drinks to the thirsty Helmets.

  

• Scott AKA Spit

  Famous Scots

  Robert Burns Wee Jimmy Cranky Mrs Doubtfire Judy Murray Archie Gemmil Jocky Wilson

  Nicknamed "Spit" after Bob Carolgee's famous dog - don't mention that ludicrous green duck Orville around him, as you might regret it.