THE TOKYO OYAJIS have crawled out from under the blankets and got off their rocking chairs to celebrate once-a-decade tourist Steve Burke’s 50th birthday.
Many of these Oyajis are from the ol’ school Tokyo Wombats line up of 2002. Others are joining the Oyajis via Langwarrin where Steve began his long journey to the Gymkhana. There may be a few good cricketers lurking deep in there, but that will be negated by a lack of Chiang Mai experience. A pre-tour training camp in Bangkok will unearth a few friends for Tokyo’s little green primate, Spank.
“OYAJI” is a casual term that can mean “father” in Japanese, but is generally used to mean old man. It can be both endearing (ramen oyaji, ramen master) or less than complimentary (eroi oyaji, dirty old man). We are reasonably sure there’s no ramen cooks in this line-up.
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Aaron Baleisis
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Alex Koolhof
As a country boy from Tasmania, Alexander always dreamed of riding in a real locomotive train, and his dream took him all the way to Japan. After a decade back down under of Down Under, the bright lights and big city sights could trigger The Russian. Excitable after a few cold beverages, expect to see him hand in hand with Spank The Monkey. Also known as The Body, he once claimed 8th prize in a Glenn McGrath look-a-like competition.
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Andrew Hall
A stalwart of the Dingbats for longer than any can remember, Nikka’s the man you need whether it’s salvaging an innings or when team-mates are in need of a wheelchair. Has rescued a few Dingbats from themselves over the years, but sadly nobody returns the favour. Can fiddle your taxes with one hand and trade CFDs with the other, all while driving a fully-loaded semi. Quite the metaphor.
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Daniel M
Zulu. He’s retaarded. His brain- and this will become obvious- doesn’t work like normal people’s. You say “Thailand”, he thinks “Hoodoo Gurus”. You say “cricket”, he thinks “guitar”. Both hyper-intelligent and dumb as dogshit ,everything about the man is unpredictable, except one: he’ll dominate Spank The Monkey.
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David Hayes
Not the horse trainer, although he is faster over 400m than Cathy Freeman. Hayzy hails from -as his sweet Japanese wife calls it- “Fucking Ballarat” but calls the Gold Coast home these days. Doesn’t appear to get out much by the sounds of it: he was asking about travellers’ cheques. Last time he went holidaying with Curly, the pair were almost trampled by an elephant. That’s a fair indication of how this tour will end up.
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Eddie Kershaw
Fast Eddie does not bowl 155kph inswingers, or hold a string of state athletics records. Fast Eddie is not a card shark or a race driver. No, Fast Eddie is just a really fucking slow learner. Witness him at work playing Rookie Error Bingo in the slammer sessions. Has more ducks than hamstrings, and more hamstrings than runs. Make sure the beer’s cold enough.
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Ian Gason
Despite the extra manpower in the Tokyo party, nobody thought to hide Curly’s passport under a pillow, put a sign on him and wheelchair him out to pasture. Curly now compliments his mid-life crisis hair-do with a pair of meth-dealer sunglasses, so the red sports car can’t be far off. Self-appointed fine-master and captain, expect to see him fielding in the shade all week, and contribute nothing with bat or ball.
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Jarrad Shearer
Almost toilet-trained, Grumpy prides himself on shitting his pants in the toilet, and not the van. To be fair, he does suffer from two forms of IBS- Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and Irritating Bloke Syndrome. Racked up his first fine for a Dummy Spit 14 months before the tour began, sooking about us celebrating a birthday which wasn’t his. Dino now coaches Japan’s Under-19 side in the finer points of a tea-pot and bat throwing.
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Kyal Hill
Keep an eye on your food when Hamburger Hill is around, and if it’s the last burger in the shop, don’t fight the inevitable- just give it to him. Pot plants- he’s been known to steal them, too. As a cunning linguist, Kyal does not like to see poor English on garments. Disrobing a stranger on a train and tossing his threads out of the door, regrettably, only ranks as the Third Most Infamous Dingbat Train Incident.
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Max Coombes
Multi-lingual multi-talented bowler/keeper/opening bat/golfer/vaper, Maxi is deep in the grown-up world of work these days. Still finds time to show the Dingbats how it’s done, on the pitch, on the golf course, on the town. While luckily he got his cricket skills from his Mum, he sadly got his dancing skills from his Dad.
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Nick Stepancich
Shovels is a concreter, which may explain his footwork. A jukebox with a beard, but with no volume control, he’ll be going toe to toe with Dino to see who can be the loudest. However, he’d be hard pressed to be more obnoxious than Dino. Hoping some of these blow-ins and throw-backs from yesteryear can keep wickets.
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Paul Shackleford
Dragged away from the Thai beaches for the second year running, Shax is hoping his hamstrings hold up as well as his famously perfect hair. A teacher by trade and guru by nature, Shax is equally at home discussing baroque architecture or the demise of the Adelaide Crows, finer points of adverbial phrases of time or Caribbean fast bowlers of the 1970s. Not afraid of curried river slugs, but seemingly averse to small green monkeys.
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Phil Walker
After a decade’s absence, Tokyo’s most famous hair-do returns with an armful of excuses and body full of ailments. There’s plenty of cricketing talent under Bob’s dreadlocks, if only we can coax the old cripple over the boundary line. Expect all those physical limitations to disappear around sunset. Bob may have a few tips for Dingbats pursuing wildlife around Loi Kroh- he’s married to an elephant trainer.
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Shane Jack
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Steven Burke
Young Steven Burke often made the headlines with his exploits in the Mornington Peninsula Cricket Association. Older Burkey reckons his Langwarrin team-mates will grab the lime-light in Chiang Mai. He’s just playing down expectations. Holding a unique and prestigious cricketing trifecta- Japanese premiership, Chiang Mai trophy, and played at the MCG- Burkey also won the last race on The Japan Cup card at Fuchu Racecourse. His 50th birthday celebrations have brought a gaggle of Dingbats out of the woodwork, including, unfortunately, Jarrad.
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Ty Matthews
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DJ BAR
Thanks to Graham and Ramida, DJ Bar will be Dingbats and Oyajis HQ again this year. The Tokyo gents can be found there most evenings, reliving glory days and rewinding the days games over a refreshing beverage or two. Pool tables, tunes, tall stories and cold drinks.
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Peter Hosking
Smoker made a big impression at his first appearance- mainly the impression of his arse made on the eski. Has a knack for fucking up flights- boarding time, departure time, days and dates- it’s all a bit much, although, to be fair, it’s always someone else’s fault. Probably the only batsmen to walk for a stumping even before it happened, Smoker’s only coming back to Chiang Mai now that the Porn Ping has closed and they have no way of chasing him up for that unpaid bill.
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